I was in the parlor last week and an employee there made a very interesting comment. Contrary to the other parlors I have been to, where everyone tries to induce customers to buying more products, she instead asked me: why do people shame hair, especially on women and girls? The question set me off thinking how powerful shame can be, in setting up powerful societal roles and structures, and how the most benign comments can have huge violent effects.
Girls are shamed for everything; monthly periods, laughing, walking, talking, and what not. Just like the ways boys are shamed for crying, being vulnerable, sensitive and emotional. It's almost unbelievable how we have attributed qualities, emotions and activities onto genders by creating these constructs. And for what, I wonder?
Are women genetically predisposed to cooking good food, for example? Or is it just the constant practice of having cooked for decades that makes them better cooks! Every system is a fully functional system, I was once told. Who benefits from this patriarchal systemic construct is therefore the real question.
The concept of shame can be very powerful. Once we start observing carefully at human behavior, we start noticing how many actions we take simply to avoid shame. Will I go and talk to my son about consent? No! Because I feel ashamed to talk about it. Will I be willing to ask for help from my educated daughter? Not really, because what if society shames me. Will I let my brother cry and be emotional, and let him be vulnerable? Heaven's not! For what if I am shamed for having a brother who is 'girly'? Will I be willing to proudly walk wearing a dress I like? Nope, not at all, for what if I am shamed again, into so many identities and boxes?
Once we start keenly observing our own daily actions, we start seeing the power of shame. it runs deep from the way I talk, walk, run, sing, laugh, to how I feel
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