What can we give up to create change?

I visibly cringe inside when men come to me and tell me how they want to 'empower women in their life'; in a tone filled with pity and entitlement at the same time.

In a recent NYT article titled 'Beware rich people who say they want to change the world' by Anand Giridharadas on his book 'Winners take all: the elite charade of changing the world', he gives significant examples of 'fake change'. Taking a systems lens, he talks about how fake change has deepened inequality across the world. He talks about the impact of only creating enough change that the powerful can tolerate, changes only within the existing system. Change that does not mean giving up one's own privilege. And why that's dangerous. "Changing the world asks more than giving back. It also takes giving something up"

Bringing that context to gender norms, is the powerful sex willing to give something up?

Empowerment does not mean giving something out of pity, it often means giving up something, so that the resource can be rightfully and equitably shared between all sections of the society.

What does that mean in real life?

Being an Indian woman myself, I am reminded of my gender almost all the time. I often face the brunt of unsolicited advice. My male counterparts don't seem to face it as disturbingly often as I do. I am often interrupted when I speak, my opinion on important family decisions is rarely asked and discussed. And when I do give my opinion and choice on what I want to do and what I don't want to do, I am pushed to change my stand; for 'how can  a girl make a choice all by herself'! It sometimes starts from something as basic as physical space. I, for one, dread sitting next to a man during long flights, for he always takes up our shared armrest, leaving me no place to move.

I, as a woman, learnt about my right to voice and space, very late in my life. I learnt I have the right to life and to a life with dignity after extremely costly repercussions.

What then does it take then to change the equation? To kill patriarchy at its very root. For men too go through their own pain of patriarchy.

I strongly believe change starts by giving up.

I, as a woman, need to start giving up mocking men who are vulnerable and emotional. To give up having my sons play with cars and my daughters with dolls. To give up my sense of shame when my daughter is not married at 30. To give up forwarding sexist jokes and to give up friendship when standing up to sexism.

The next time, you, as a man, feel you 'want to empower a woman', remember it often means stepping back so they can lead. It means partnering with women and giving up space and power, so we can speak. It means giving up friendship, sometimes, when you have to speak up. Giving up positions of power, or giving up comfort.

Exercising leadership is as much about speaking up, as about stepping back. Knowing when to do what is the challenge of our times.