It is extremely difficult to get out of a cycle of abuse.
These unresolved trauma often then become inter-generational: from grandparents to parents to children and their children. How does one then break this inter-generational cycle of trauma and become free?
Patterns of abuse are shared across different settings. The abuser often controls the victim: be it financially, emotionally, or physically. They yell at the victim, and isolate the victim from friends and other social networks. Emotionally regressive statements such as "I yell at you because I love you" are red flags of abuse and give excuses for the abusive behavior. Gaslighting is extremely common: where the abuser triggers the victim and if and when the survivor responds, is accused of causing the trouble in the first place. Abusers often threaten suicide if the victim doesn't do things in exactly the way they want it to be done. You get the gist. If you notice yourself being discredited, isolated and blamed by someone all the time, there is something terribly wrong with the relationship. Watch out!
I come from a country where one in three women suffers from domestic violence. Learning to identify these patterns of abuse has taken me a good part of a decade of my life. Yet, even after recognizing them, it is not easy to break free of this vicious cycle.
For the survivor not only has to deal with the effects of her/his trauma, she/he has to now break free of it too.
As part of my work in the Child Protection System, I sit through various consults at work. Domestic violence has its own team, for its extremely adverse emotional and physical developmental impact on children. Therefore, even after legal and criminal proceedings against the abuser, such cases are brought into the child protection system.
Keeping the child's best interests at the center, one of the common questions that is often asked is, "has the mom kept away from the abuser?"
This is tough.
If she stays with the abuser, she continues going through trauma and the threat of child protection looms above her head. But breaking away is incredibly difficult.
The first step is to help the survivor truly recognize that it is not her fault. With years of mental conditioning and the abusers' constant manipulation that the abuse happened because of the victim's behavior, it is not surprising how much effort this really takes.
The big step is to establish boundaries. It takes enormous courage and strength to be able to do this, especially when the abuser is financially involved in childcare. On one hand, it is almost unfair to survivors to do so much work, when they are already overwhelmed.
On the other, if they don't stand up for themselves, who else will?
Case workers and therapists can only help so much. Whether the survivor truly gets freedom is a combination of several systemic factors such as efficient and fair legal systems, support systems such a friendships and family, and her own internal strength.
This is where each one of us can step in.
If you identify such a pattern of abuse in your own life, step out. Talk to a friend. See a therapist. Seek help. You don't deserve to be abused. You don't need to go through this alone.
If you see such a pattern in the life of a friend or a co-worker, be supportive. Breaking out of an abusive cycle is a traumatic and a deeply painful process. What is obvious for you to see, is a deeply painful relationship for her. Watch out and be supportive in the way she needs it.
If you are someone who seems to be using some of these patterns in your relationships, be it with a child or with a partner, watch out! You don't want to be an abuser to someone you love.
These unresolved trauma often then become inter-generational: from grandparents to parents to children and their children. How does one then break this inter-generational cycle of trauma and become free?
I come from a country where one in three women suffers from domestic violence. Learning to identify these patterns of abuse has taken me a good part of a decade of my life. Yet, even after recognizing them, it is not easy to break free of this vicious cycle.
For the survivor not only has to deal with the effects of her/his trauma, she/he has to now break free of it too.
As part of my work in the Child Protection System, I sit through various consults at work. Domestic violence has its own team, for its extremely adverse emotional and physical developmental impact on children. Therefore, even after legal and criminal proceedings against the abuser, such cases are brought into the child protection system.
Keeping the child's best interests at the center, one of the common questions that is often asked is, "has the mom kept away from the abuser?"
This is tough.
If she stays with the abuser, she continues going through trauma and the threat of child protection looms above her head. But breaking away is incredibly difficult.
The first step is to help the survivor truly recognize that it is not her fault. With years of mental conditioning and the abusers' constant manipulation that the abuse happened because of the victim's behavior, it is not surprising how much effort this really takes.
The big step is to establish boundaries. It takes enormous courage and strength to be able to do this, especially when the abuser is financially involved in childcare. On one hand, it is almost unfair to survivors to do so much work, when they are already overwhelmed.
On the other, if they don't stand up for themselves, who else will?
Case workers and therapists can only help so much. Whether the survivor truly gets freedom is a combination of several systemic factors such as efficient and fair legal systems, support systems such a friendships and family, and her own internal strength.
This is where each one of us can step in.
If you identify such a pattern of abuse in your own life, step out. Talk to a friend. See a therapist. Seek help. You don't deserve to be abused. You don't need to go through this alone.
If you see such a pattern in the life of a friend or a co-worker, be supportive. Breaking out of an abusive cycle is a traumatic and a deeply painful process. What is obvious for you to see, is a deeply painful relationship for her. Watch out and be supportive in the way she needs it.
If you are someone who seems to be using some of these patterns in your relationships, be it with a child or with a partner, watch out! You don't want to be an abuser to someone you love.
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