#LikeAGirl - Small actions, big consequences

Combining work with fun, I visited GBV (Gender-Based-Violence) organizations in the coastal city of Mombasa, while continuing my journey in Nairobi. Set along white sandy beaches, the city takes one's breath away with its  mesmerizing beauty. 

As I was entering one such center, I overheard a colleague's remark that triggered me: 'If people see me entering this center, they will feel I am a survivor too'. It wasn't just the words, but the tone and the emotion in the sentence that jolted me. When have we made survival such a shameful act in the first place?

One question that has always bothered me is: why are men violent? What are the root causes of violence? Violence is after all a symptom of a  much deeper issue; a culmination of several everyday norms, ingrained into our societies, for centuries.

Being male or female is, after all, a physical feature. But by associating emotions, behaviors and attitudes to these genders and then coating them with culture and religion, we have made gender violence an everyday norm today.

One of my favorite ads talks about redefining #LikeAGirl, and asks when did doing something 'like a girl' become an insult. Have you heard of the common way of praising girls - 'you did work as good as a man'? When girls are constantly told, in so many subtle and direct ways, that they are inferior, they lose their opinion and voice to define their lives, as soon as they are born. Is it any wonder that sixty million women are missing in India today due to various reasons from under-nutrition, domestic violence, dowry deaths, etc?

The big question then is: what are the everyday norms WE do that make violence just one step easier? Making sexist jokes for sure, subtly emphasizes that women are not equal to men ('It's just a joke, don't over-react!'), and are second class citizens. Teaching silence as a virtue is a huge threat as well; one of the many common issues with GBV that I have experienced is victims themselves don't recognize abuse or feel they deserve any better, and the question of 'how much violence is really violence' prolongs the abuse. For no fault of hers, she feels shamed, attacked and confused by the mixed signals that we send around her. We smile at her and pat her back with pride, and then strongly keep nudging her to 'find a man to protect herself', we educate her and then tell her 'not to be too independent' for 'what will society say!'. We shame every action of a woman: 'don't walk too hard, laugh too loud, her monthly periods, sex, relationships'. And by subjugating a girl to so many extreme signals, is it a wonder that my respected senior colleague from an international organization, feels so ashamed to even be seen entering a GBV center today!

Boys are subjugated into their 'male box' as soon as they are born too. We teach them to 'not to cry like a girl', not be emotional, and from a very young age, teach them that 'like a girl' is an insult. We teach them to be afraid to be vulnerable. We mock at boys who are brave enough to side with girls. Combine this with a complete lack of socio-emotional learning in schools and within families, the man-woman heterosexual relationship is rarely two adults with equal power and say in the family.

Each one of us is complicit in allowing violence to continue, in our own way. When we innocently comment 'why did she go alone in the night, that's why she got raped', we continue the cycle of victim-shaming. When we say 'aren't you ashamed of showing your bra', we continue the cycle of shaming woman for her body. When we say 'she is 28 and not married, wonder what's wrong with her', we continue fixating women as objects of responsibility to be turned over from one man (dad) to another man (husband), and not as a woman with a separate identity of her own. When we refer to a 'good man' as a person who doesn't drink alcohol or beat his wife, we continue setting such low expectations for our youth.

Change starts with us, by developing the capacity to introspect and question our assumptions. By willing to be emotional, and daring to ask 'why'. By identifying and rectifying our everyday words and action. For violence is never a one time thing: it takes a huge mental, physical and emotional toll for years to come. Let us not perpetuate this vicious cycle. Let us live #LikeAGirl with pride.